if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
