he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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