my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
