Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
