I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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