I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
