I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
