I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
