why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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