how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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