Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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