Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
