So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
