i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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