I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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