Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
