I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
