i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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