So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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