i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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