You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
