I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
