can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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