you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
