Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
