My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
