My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
