I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
