My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
