she woke up with a sticky ear
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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