I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
