No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He better not be in your backpack
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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