dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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