Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
