fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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