I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
