I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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