it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
