you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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