he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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