I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he was CRYING into my vagina
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
