i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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