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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?

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• (636): View more from Missouri

  dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you

  (1-636): View more from Missouri

  when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced

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• (301): View more from Maryland

  She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.

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• (678): View more from Georgia

  I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.

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• (301): View more from Maryland

  There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself

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• (270): View more from Kentucky

  Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.

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• (305): View more from Florida

  You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.

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• (906): View more from Michigan

  I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.

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• (918): View more from Oklahoma

  She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.

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• (316): View more from Kansas

  You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.

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• (805): View more from California

  I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift

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• (504): View more from Louisiana

  it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack

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• (905): View more from Ontario

  That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?

  (1-905): View more from Ontario

  Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.

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