I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
