My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
