Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
two words: eviction party
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize