what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
