I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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