i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
