if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize