i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
