I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
