i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
