His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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