This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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