paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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