Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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