Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
