best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
