Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
