Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
