When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
