On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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