So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
