Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have post one night stand depression
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